Sid Da Squid

Martin — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 12:08:32 +0000

Tue, 01/03/1989

Sid Da Squid is very much a genre piece, the Underwater Detective genre. Nevertheless, it is a more accurate representation of the dog eat dogfish submarine world than The Little Mermaid. It is also a profound punfest, worthy of any two teenage boys wasting their time while eating their fish and chips at the bus stop. It works well if a Prawn, a Sardine and a Stingray can be found in the audience

SID DA SQUID

SID
Dis is da tale of Sid Da Squid
And the wonderful deeds that Sidney did.
But nobody knows – cos nobody saw,
Cos he did what he did - on the ocean floor.

SIRENS
When you’re wrecked on the bed of the ocean,
When you’re out of your depth in the sea,
When the Sharks are around and the chips are down,
Call Sidney’s agency.

SID
I’m Sid – Sid Da Squid – Underwater Detective.
I was sitting in Harry Da Prawn’s place
Sipping a large Seawater Cocktail On The Rocks.
A couple of Pickled Herrings were propping up the bar.
I wriggled uneasily. The place was full of sharks.
Some beautiful fishes were singing a sad song.

SIRENS
I heard a dreadful story on my ocean TV,
Another million plankton lost at sea.
It’s sad an’ it’s awful but what can you do?
You never believe it could happen to you.
It’s just another story that you hear on the news.
I got those microscopic creature deep-sea foodchain blues!

SID
Soon as The Submarine Sisters had finished their set a Shoal of Small Fry swam into view and started up a Conga. What I was doing in a low dive like this? Cod alone knows! I had a note in my pocket.

         VELDA
Meet me at the Jellyfish Club. Help! Velda Skate.

         SID
Who was Velda Skate?

         VELDA
Hi Big Fish! I’m Velda Skate. I need your help, Sid. I’m in really hot water!

         SID
O.K. Babe! What’s cooking?

         VELDA
I know who filleted Phil The Flounder!

         SID
Holy Mackerel! I’ve been after that moidering fish for months.
Now at last I had him in my tentacles! O.K. Babe – who did it?

         VELDA
It was …

         NARRATION
Suddenly the lights went out and all hell was let loose.
A great big Hammerhead Shark with a harpoon scar on his jaw
Grabbed one of Sid’s arms.
A shifty Cod grabbed another.
That left him with only eight – to deal with the rest.
That should have been enough, but …

VELDA
An Electric Eel did a dirty deal
And slid behind Sid’s back.
Let fly a bolt -

SID
– Sid felt a jolt.

SID & VELDA
Then everything went black!

SID
No one can say how long Sid lay
In his unconscious state.

VELDA
When the lights came on the sharks were gone.

SID & VELDA
And so – was Velda Skate!
........
For full version download PDF for personal use only. For performance rights contact Martin Riley

"I laughed till I cried salt seawater tears." Andy Shrimpton

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Martin Riley - Poetry

Sid Da Squid